In Defense of the In Between

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Why can’t I just be single, but into someone, without everyone pushing me around about my ‘nonexistent’ ability to be in a relationship?

The past few weeks I’ve read a number of articles that range from the top 10 reasons to be single in your twenties to why it’s amazing to marry young. A few days ago I finally received a link to the hidden gem of dating articles, the needle in a haystack I’ve been searching for, a Thought Catalog piece “Sometimes It Makes More Sense To Be Single” that my best friend sent me with the subject line of the email reading: this. The piece opens with the writer expressing the shocking response her aunt gave when hearing her autobot response to the dreaded, no men in your life? Instead of the expected accolades on why you’re so deserving of a good man, her aunt told her, “It would kill you, It would kill you to be tied down like that. Some people aren’t meant for that life. Like butterflies, you have to let them fly. You have to fly.” This quote got me. It literally managed to scramble into a sentence the overwhelming worry I get when I think about having a boyfriend. So much so that I’ve spent the past three days telling my mom “I’m a butterfly mom, I can’t be held down, I must fly.” She’s so over it and definitely wishes I’d never gotten my beady eyes on this article.

What people fail to realize is that even though it would kill me to be tied down, that doesn’t mean I want to be lonely. That doesn’t mean I’m anti-relationship. It doesn’t have to be black or white, I rest easy somewhere in the gray. Let me explain.

The same day my bff sent me that link, I went to see my year-long fling. He’s more than a friend, but less than a boyfriend. For the past year this arrangement has worked for us. We could spend up to a month without communication and it doesn’t bother me. He has a busy work schedule and I’m trying to pull through an intense three semester Masters program at NYU. But any time I need someone by my side, or he need me, we are there for each other. There is never the pressure of everyday expectations and it’s perfect. We sometimes joke around about marriage, moving to California together, how we’ll raise our kids. It’s fun. For those moments when we’re present, we allow ourselves to feel all it could feel to be in a relationship, the fantasy of what we know cannot be our reality, at least not now, and then we’d part ways flying our separate directions like the little butterflies we are. There’s real feelings, but there’s also real selfishness.

In that gray area, I’m able to have a relationship without having a relationship. I’m able to tell someone what’s on my mind. I’m able to be my weird self. I can burp. I can literally shove mounds of food in my mouth. I can talk Spanglish. I can take the weeks alone when I need to focus on school and work. I can tie my hair up in a bun. I can say feed me! I can cry. I can laugh. I can stroll in with no make-up on. I could probably even get away with farting in front of him, though I’d never do such a thing. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I don’t have someone in my life that allows me to be myself, the way everyone in a relationship claims to feel in such a distinct manner. In fact, I think there’s an even greater comfort without the pressure of a relationship. This works for me.

Why is it that if I’m 23 (almost 24 yikes) and single, I have to be labeled bitter or even worse, thirsty? Or if I’m choosing to be single, why do I have to be a commitment phoebe? Something MUST be wrong with me. I must be broken. Useless as a potential girlfriend. There’s barely anyone who supports the fact that I’m single because I choose to be while still able to appreciate a special bond with someone. We have a relationship of our own we’ve created. It may be unconventional to you, but it works just fine for me. Sure, I could totally marry that man, but I don’t want to find out until I’ve flown where I need to fly.

Selena Gomez Breaks Up With The Jenners

BREAKING NEWS! Well, it was a few days ago anyways. Earlier this week Perez Hilton reported that Selena Gomez unfollowed her besties Kylie and Kendall Jenner on Instagram. And to throw salt in the wound, she also got rid of their selfie shots together. OUCH. This is exactly how it goes down in most relationships that end badly, so algo serio must have happened. It got me thinking about the mentality of unfollowing on social media. Because it’s definitely a thing now. It’s a statement with purpose.

Whenever I have an amiga who’s relationship is on the rocks–or completely over–they always come to me asking, “should I unfollow him on Twitter & Insta and unfriend him on Facebook?” My answer is almost always, YES. Many people would argue that this is immature and unnecessary. I say there’s just no way around it.

Social media allows everyone to show who they want the world to see them as, and oftentimes after a breakup or fallout (this can happen with friends too) it’s used as a tool to hurt the other half of the broken relationship. If you’re broken hearted, or just hurt, swiping up and down a feed full of subliminal messages via memes, gifs, photos, or just words, will only cause more heartache.

Everyone’s fear is always that the unfollowee will think less of you when they realize you are no longer keeping tabs on their every public move. The thing is, the act of unfollowing isn’t about them or what they think, it’s about you. The real purpose of moving forward on this is to give yourself peace of mind and actual space to move on. With the constant suffocation of knowing what they’re up to, the time you’re suppose to spend healing is actually spent pining over their posts. You’ll overthink the meaning of their every social media move and suddenly you’re not in a relationship with them, but you are with their feed. In the end, you’re the only one losing and with every subtweet they post, you’re practically getting broken up with over and over again.

I’ve deleted/unfollowed a guy and friend or two. Did I ever regret it? Nope. Why? Because I got to move along with my life and not have to be an outsider watching theirs play out without me. So if Miss Gomez had a falling out with her gal pals and decided to excommunicate them from her social media life, I say, do it boo! And if you need to do the same with tu ex novio, I’ll back you up.

Challenge: Give The Nice Guy A Standing Chance

The one who doesn’t call. The one who won’t invite you on a date. The one who’s too busy. The one who only texts you after midnight. The one who asks you to pay. The one who insults you. The one who embarrasses you in public. The one who incessantly tweets about hoes. The one who only wants to see you once a week. The one who classifies women as side chicks and main chick. The one with two cell phones. The one who knows he’s attractive. The one who only wants to sext you.

Ok so you get it. It’s the guy that’s caused us all, at least once, to ruin a pillow case (or two) with an artistic smear of mascara, eyeliner, snot, and tears. Can you tell I’m speaking from experience? Though I hope no poor soul has had to deal with all of these qualities packed into one bad guy because they don’t make enough pillow cases canvas all that artwork. Unfortunately, this is the guy we pine over. We just can’t get enough of him and his bad ass ways.

While the bad ass keeps treating you, well… bad, the good guy is in the shadows annoyed as shit that you’re wasting so much of each other’s time. Because guess what, you aren’t going to marry the bad ass. The bad ass won’t be a good father to your children. He won’t be home for dinner every chance he gets. He won’t think up the most romantic proposal which will become a viral hit. Nah. That’s what the good guy does. And while you’re off galavanting, on a high from the one night the bad guy has offered you, someone else is getting ready to snatch up your good guy.

I had this back up plan since high school. This guy friend, much too nice for me to ever give the time of day back then, and I would talk here and there. I knew that whoever became his future had a bright and loving one ahead. My best friend and I would joke over the idea that I should consider him marriage material in the future, should I find myself looking for a suitable mate. My plan was, if nothing panned out how I’d imagine, I’d stick with him. Now I’m not suggesting settling, that’s something else we’ll get into in a future post, but he was the good guy I was sure I would need and some day be able to appreciate.

He would plan dates and I would cancel last minute. I once showed up to one of our dates in sweatpants. Yes, sweatpants. Rude, I know, I know! All the while, I didn’t realize I was pushing him further out of my plan and smack dab in the center of another lucky lady’s. He was a gentleman and I was in college dying to be treated like shit.

Recently he got into a relationship. I always took those as jokes, since he’d been in and out of a few over the years we knew each other and because he’d always come back to me. This girlfriend, however, seemed different. Something felt more concrete, and suddenly I wanted to vomit. There it was, my go-to good guy, swept off his feet by a woman who was ready, before me, to accept all of his goodness. Not that I think I would have ended up with him, but you know when the opportunity is no longer there is when you want it most.

The whole debacle gave me far too much angst. I couldn’t continue to make a joke of the good guys knowing how this played out.

So with that, I’m challenging myself to open up to the good guys. Let them take me on a date without me showing up in sweats or canceling. Let them say sweet things to me without me embarrassing them for doing so. Let me not ruin their efforts, or worst, friend zone them, before they even get a chance to show themselves. Maybe then, I’ll fall for the good guy.

The Challenge: Go on a date with that really nice guy that’s asked you out more than three times and who you’ve repeatedly denied. Maybe you won’t like him or… maybe you will?

 

Latina Leads the Love Talk

February is a trial for single women who have to endure the endless sight of red hearts and swooning couples. It’s prime time for Brooklyn native Lisa Velazquez, who is at their aid year-round. After receiving her Masters in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University, Velazquez took up the challenge of coaching single women. Through workshops, individual coaching, and a guidebook in the works, she is filling a void in frank conversations about sex, dating, and relationships that she believes exists among Latinas, and along the way has branded herself as the Latina lovestyle coach.

Was there a moment or experience that led to you becoming a love coach?

Honestly, it was a series of experiences. And growing up Latina. When I was 15, I was in a peer education group with one of my cousins. We were discussing virginity and devout virginity among the Latina culture. And I really had an issue with why this was taught to the young women and not being taught to the young men. Why were we being taught to save ourselves for them when they don’t save themselves for us?

So you found the core of the problem?

As I spoke with my friends in college, I recognized the issues they were having were coming from adolescence, so I said you know what I want to work with girls. I recognized that there was no Latina that was talking about this, with the proper information, not just information from the comadre or from one tia to one girlfriend.

Once you made the decision to take the podium, and be the Latina to talk about these issues, how did you go about building your brand?

Wonder Womyn was my nickname in college. I was the president of the Association of Puerto Rican studies. I was also the student representative on the student government. So with all of that networking, recognizing that once I stepped up to be a Latina leader I became a leader in everything else.

How did Lisa Talks Love come about?

I wanted to create a brand that was more personable, so that’s when Lisa Talks Love was created. I’ve only had the name for about a year. It came to me at like two o’clock in the morning and sometimes that’s when the best idea comes. Inspiration comes at the strangest times.

Do you coach your friends?

It’s fun, you’re with you friends and they’re like, “Okay listen I actually want to pay you to do coaching because if I don’t pay you I’m not going to take your advice.” Which is hilarious. I am the pink elephant in the room, you cannot talk about an issue with a man and I’m standing right there and you’re acting like there’s no support. I’ve actually had a group of women like, “So don’t tell Lisa what I did.” And I’m like, “Oh you know you’re not telling me because you know what you’re doing isn’t good for you.”

What’s a tool you recommend for single ladies so maybe next Valentine’s Day they’ll have a Valentine?

You want to do the year in review, of love. What are the choices that you’ve made all year that have led to this moment? First, stop beating yourself up, have compassion. What needs to be different about your love life this year because whatever you’ve been doing all year has not been serving you?

How do you help women make better choices?

I teach women to create love standards. The issue is women don’t have a bar at all, they don’t even have a standard at all. Men have a standard for everything they do, especially when it comes to women, they know what they want and they pursue what they want.

Coming from a Latino family, what did they think when you chose this career?

It was, “Oh my God why do you want to do this?” My father has been in information technology for over 40 years. My mother worked for a law firm for almost about 20 years. I’m an entrepreneur, I’m building an empire, and they’re like, “What? What does that mean? You’re getting a job doing what?”

You mean being a love coach wasn’t what they had in mind?

In the beginning when I was in sex ed and sex therapy my dad was like, “Don’t you want to do family therapy?” And I was like, “Here we go.” Because there’s some things that are not “appropriate” for a Latina woman, right? That’s my father, and I understand, but I don’t agree. Now they’re supportive, took a very long time for them to be supportive because they don’t understand. I’m definitely the rebel. You get to love your family and embrace your culture, but they don’t get to define who you are as a person.

Ladies First…Girl, Get Your Guy

I was having a talk with one of my girls and it inspired me to share the advice with all of you. Social media has taken over our lives and meeting new people these days is done with a couple taps of your thumb. We aren’t really meeting people out places anymore, now we meet people through Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, etc, or even an app like Tinder, which specifically allows you to match with people whom have a mutual attraction to you. So the old dating rules of the girl waiting around on the guy have switched up. But not all of my lady friends are ready to commit to role reversals.

I find myself advising many of my girlfriends to go ahead and make the first move. Sadly, though we were raised being told to go after what we want (academically and professionally), we were never taught that if we liked a boy, well we should say so. Especially in the Latino culture where machismo still lives, not as strong and mighty as it used to be, but it still lives. There’s nothing wrong with stating your interest and making it clear.

I see this trend changing as I watch my teenage sister grow year by year. When I spoke to her the other day about what I want or don’t want in a relationship she told me, “I don’t understand you people, maybe because I’m young, but why can’t you just say what you want instead of assuming or expecting someone else to assume.” That’s when the light hit. That was a really grown moment for her. The craziest part is, this 14-year-old’s advice is the best advice I’ve heard in a long time. So let’s discuss, why don’t we feel comfortable stating what, or who, we want.

Most of our holding back is fear. Fear that maybe by stating what we want we are being too forward for someone’s liking. Fear that by putting ourselves out there we are at greater risk of getting heart broken. Fear that if we text or call first we’ll seem desperate. Fear that by asking a guy out we are losing our femininity.

One lesson I learned is you have to do the things that scare you, those are the things that help you grow. If you always stay in your comfort zone, you are never evolving into the best you that you can be. And we all know that facing a fear can be empowering. These are enough reasons to make you whip out your phone and send the first message. But I’ll continue giving you the nudge anyways.

I’ve learned from my dating here and there not to let these fears hinder meeting new people. So what’s the worst that can happen if you go book the guy instead of waiting for him to book you? The absolute worst is you get turned down, in which case, obviously you two wouldn’t mesh, cross him off the list. The second worst, you get ignored. Let’s be real, you’ve ignored a guy or two in the past as well. The burn of being ignored will wear off as soon as a couple hours passes by and you forgot you even did the reaching out first. And the third worst scenario would be going on the date and hating it. We all need to learn how to date one way or another, so hating a date will let you know what you don’t like about someone and what you’d like to find in the next person you go out on the town with.

Dating, good or bad, helps you build your standards and learn about yourself. By going on dates, I figured out the deeper things I’m looking for in a partner. I must say, I haven’t regretted any date I’ve asked a guy out on. Whether it blossomed into more than one date or not, at least it helped me be a better date for the next guy I ask out. And with every date, I feel a little more prepared for my date with destiny, whenever he shall arrive in my life!

Don’t hesitate, call the guapo that you’ve been thinking about and plan a date to see him. Ladies first!