In Defense of the In Between

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Why can’t I just be single, but into someone, without everyone pushing me around about my ‘nonexistent’ ability to be in a relationship?

The past few weeks I’ve read a number of articles that range from the top 10 reasons to be single in your twenties to why it’s amazing to marry young. A few days ago I finally received a link to the hidden gem of dating articles, the needle in a haystack I’ve been searching for, a Thought Catalog piece “Sometimes It Makes More Sense To Be Single” that my best friend sent me with the subject line of the email reading: this. The piece opens with the writer expressing the shocking response her aunt gave when hearing her autobot response to the dreaded, no men in your life? Instead of the expected accolades on why you’re so deserving of a good man, her aunt told her, “It would kill you, It would kill you to be tied down like that. Some people aren’t meant for that life. Like butterflies, you have to let them fly. You have to fly.” This quote got me. It literally managed to scramble into a sentence the overwhelming worry I get when I think about having a boyfriend. So much so that I’ve spent the past three days telling my mom “I’m a butterfly mom, I can’t be held down, I must fly.” She’s so over it and definitely wishes I’d never gotten my beady eyes on this article.

What people fail to realize is that even though it would kill me to be tied down, that doesn’t mean I want to be lonely. That doesn’t mean I’m anti-relationship. It doesn’t have to be black or white, I rest easy somewhere in the gray. Let me explain.

The same day my bff sent me that link, I went to see my year-long fling. He’s more than a friend, but less than a boyfriend. For the past year this arrangement has worked for us. We could spend up to a month without communication and it doesn’t bother me. He has a busy work schedule and I’m trying to pull through an intense three semester Masters program at NYU. But any time I need someone by my side, or he need me, we are there for each other. There is never the pressure of everyday expectations and it’s perfect. We sometimes joke around about marriage, moving to California together, how we’ll raise our kids. It’s fun. For those moments when we’re present, we allow ourselves to feel all it could feel to be in a relationship, the fantasy of what we know cannot be our reality, at least not now, and then we’d part ways flying our separate directions like the little butterflies we are. There’s real feelings, but there’s also real selfishness.

In that gray area, I’m able to have a relationship without having a relationship. I’m able to tell someone what’s on my mind. I’m able to be my weird self. I can burp. I can literally shove mounds of food in my mouth. I can talk Spanglish. I can take the weeks alone when I need to focus on school and work. I can tie my hair up in a bun. I can say feed me! I can cry. I can laugh. I can stroll in with no make-up on. I could probably even get away with farting in front of him, though I’d never do such a thing. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I don’t have someone in my life that allows me to be myself, the way everyone in a relationship claims to feel in such a distinct manner. In fact, I think there’s an even greater comfort without the pressure of a relationship. This works for me.

Why is it that if I’m 23 (almost 24 yikes) and single, I have to be labeled bitter or even worse, thirsty? Or if I’m choosing to be single, why do I have to be a commitment phoebe? Something MUST be wrong with me. I must be broken. Useless as a potential girlfriend. There’s barely anyone who supports the fact that I’m single because I choose to be while still able to appreciate a special bond with someone. We have a relationship of our own we’ve created. It may be unconventional to you, but it works just fine for me. Sure, I could totally marry that man, but I don’t want to find out until I’ve flown where I need to fly.

Selena Gomez Breaks Up With The Jenners

BREAKING NEWS! Well, it was a few days ago anyways. Earlier this week Perez Hilton reported that Selena Gomez unfollowed her besties Kylie and Kendall Jenner on Instagram. And to throw salt in the wound, she also got rid of their selfie shots together. OUCH. This is exactly how it goes down in most relationships that end badly, so algo serio must have happened. It got me thinking about the mentality of unfollowing on social media. Because it’s definitely a thing now. It’s a statement with purpose.

Whenever I have an amiga who’s relationship is on the rocks–or completely over–they always come to me asking, “should I unfollow him on Twitter & Insta and unfriend him on Facebook?” My answer is almost always, YES. Many people would argue that this is immature and unnecessary. I say there’s just no way around it.

Social media allows everyone to show who they want the world to see them as, and oftentimes after a breakup or fallout (this can happen with friends too) it’s used as a tool to hurt the other half of the broken relationship. If you’re broken hearted, or just hurt, swiping up and down a feed full of subliminal messages via memes, gifs, photos, or just words, will only cause more heartache.

Everyone’s fear is always that the unfollowee will think less of you when they realize you are no longer keeping tabs on their every public move. The thing is, the act of unfollowing isn’t about them or what they think, it’s about you. The real purpose of moving forward on this is to give yourself peace of mind and actual space to move on. With the constant suffocation of knowing what they’re up to, the time you’re suppose to spend healing is actually spent pining over their posts. You’ll overthink the meaning of their every social media move and suddenly you’re not in a relationship with them, but you are with their feed. In the end, you’re the only one losing and with every subtweet they post, you’re practically getting broken up with over and over again.

I’ve deleted/unfollowed a guy and friend or two. Did I ever regret it? Nope. Why? Because I got to move along with my life and not have to be an outsider watching theirs play out without me. So if Miss Gomez had a falling out with her gal pals and decided to excommunicate them from her social media life, I say, do it boo! And if you need to do the same with tu ex novio, I’ll back you up.